I Don't Know

how I manage to incubate my thoughts sometimes.

Emotions are common; they are not exclusive to each individual. While one is hurting, another far away could be feeling the same, possibly worst.

How is it that the motion of life, albeit separate, can be so largely similar?

I've been incubating thoughts and actions for years that I've always feared to act on, to shout it out loud.

In all honesty, I don't believe I am there yet. Baby steps that take years to progress...

Been out from sports for a month now. I've never been more patient than I am today, and I have no idea how I braced this month.

In fact, I don't really remember how everything happened - the chronology, the pain, the ordeal, the emotions.

I just want to get by, get past, and forget.

When Life was much Simpler;

Rule of Threes

"The important thing is to abide by the rule of threes. Either you see a woman three times in quick succession and then never again, or you maintain relations over the years but make sure that the rendezvous are at least three weeks apart."

--Tomas, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Now, everywhere I go or everything I do seems to link with this.

PS: Might just be adopting a Rule of Threes relationship with trainings.

When the lights go out,

We'll be safe and sound.

We'll take control of the world,

Like it's all we have to hold on to

And we'll be, a Dream.

Yesterday, someone insulted the person I was talking to (not a friend of mine, thankfully) and said that in response to her conversation, I should've just said "Sorry. I don't talk to ugly people."

Then I looked at the person who said that and wondered,
"Are you very good looking yourself?"

Hmm. Mankind.

_

Have I mentioned?
I'm 22,
and for once,
I actually feel my age.

Spinning Drama.

Road rice & I in a spankin' new white Beetle(:

Took two medals home on Saturday from W.antoks awards night and it has to be the First time I'm ever taking something back in 3 years =)

Coach caught me just before I left and said some really touching words of encouragement that left me close to tears.

+ the long anticipated milkshake from OE with two of my favourit teammies in the club made my Saturday really lovely despite running low on the S. (sleep)

Hectic weekend at V.olkswagen and I'm back to being jobless again =)

Oh life is good when all I need to do is meet up with pals and train.

Only until I break it down into the nittygritty that my head throbs and my eyebrows meet to form a frown.

Life is not that good when you have to worry about 12 other people, and plan ahead into the future.

Consider: Semester 1 vs Semester 2, External Fyp, Hall rooming issues, Tournaments, Goals, Dynamics, Priorities, Choices, etc.

Mommy's finally back, together with my lovely grandparents from Penang so I'm currently kicked outta my bedroom. Am crashing with the brother tonight! Should I sleep on the floor? Or should I just make him sleep on the floor since he's the guy anyway.

HAHA

And Happy Birthday, Daddy! We hope you like the wallet and ohsoyummy dinner!

We never had to request for a 10-people table but it was soooo fun :D

The Future Freaks Me Out.

It suddenly dawned on me that this could be the future.

A glimpse of what things could be like; when Sis is married and Mommy gone (touch wood please).

It's just been two days (?) without my mom and things are already different, people already feeling empty. It's scary how Daddy seems so crippled without Mommy. He seems lifeless, hence he tries to keep himself busy. It isn't that he didn't trust me with the responsibility of bringing The Brother to dental, I (only just) figured that he didn't want to head back to an empty home, and be alone. So he insisted on sending us there and accompanying us through dental.

And then being the insensitive, too-busy-for-anything-else daughter, I didn't have dinner with Daddy. We bought food back though, but maybe he missed the company of Mommy, faithfully at the dining table every night, so he gave sitting there alone a miss and skipped dinner altogether.

At 8:48pm, he told me he was tired and headed straight to bed. The food still in its container, still in the plastic bag, still on the table.

Then I continued spending ME time- doing my nails (sorry, sounds so bimbo), clearing my emails, that I forgot about the clothes in the wash so he came to tell me they are done. I nodded and said "later" and only remembered while eating my grass jelly longan, over Bolt on Disney Channel. There was sooo much clothes to wash that I had to separate them into two bundles. And while hanging them did it occur to me that maybe Daddy doesn't have clothes to wear to work anymore. But even if I wanted to iron them NOW, I can't cos he is asleep. So how?

Even joining Trojan at prawning later seems kinda wrong right now.

:(

loss.

"Everyone of us is losing something precious to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads—at least that’s where I imagine it—there’s a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in a while, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you’ll live forever in your own little private library."

-Haruki murakami

Halfway.

I don't deal very well with losses, I admit. Be it temporary, permanent, or forever.

These words, I heard on repeat: "A brother I never had", "sincere", "filial", "more than a friend", "cheerful", "friendly", "always a fighter", "never knew the true meaning of 'giving up' ". To you, these are just words. To those who spoke them, they are memories, lessons learnt, values they aspire to achieve.

There were just 3.5 of us, 0.5 being the Jien who wanted to be there but got caught up with unpredictable stuff at home. Sad to say, it is always the wrong reasons that bring people together: Graduation (after which we will go our separate ways), Farewells for friends leaving on exchange, Bereavement. They are barely reasons for celebration, yet get-togethers are more successful than a "Reunion". Have to admit, am utterly disappointed with the turnout from the Sixth. We are a 26-man huge comm, yet the attendance was just three. What?!

-----------------------------

And on second chances: How often are we given the privilege of that. For redemption, for convincing, for proving.

Over brunch with Yanns, we HAD to bring up the fragility and vulnerability of life.

Naturally, every mankind wants to be in control of something; be it in our lives, or simple things like Plans. I for one, plan ahead and hate uncertainties. I hate it when something not within my control crops up and calls for plan B. Here's my loophole: I always plan ahead but I never have a backup plan. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm being an alpha female; and these uncertainties leave me crippled without the empowerment of control.

But as the saying goes, we learn things best the hard way. And I'm slowly getting it.

I've effectively gotten upset with someone/myself once a day this entire week, and it's really tiring. But sometimes you don't really have anyone to blame but yourself.

*

"I'm not angry, I'm just saying,

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance."

Heartaches and Headaches.

Hello World,

I've been busy lately. But not quite.

You know like how time flies and you don't even realise it,

yet you can't quite point a finger on what you've been spending the time doing.

Just last night I realised that it was already, 27th MAY.

So I missed one of my dearestest friend's birthday on the 24th. Completely slipped my mind and I have no excuse. And thank you Dearest Yanns for being ever understanding and forgiving. =)

And still having 100% faith in the friendship we have, despite this big disappointment from me.

I love you!

And then there's many little things I need to deal with: Love, Loss, Stress, Friends, Performance, Expectations, Needs, Duties, Responsibilities, etc.

Yeah, IA has ended but it seems like the other avenues are taxing on me.

And last night I was talking to The Dongdong and I really wanted to cry. I don't know if it was because of how I felt; that I'm slowly becoming selfish, or because of how I'm falling short of the expectations of many, or I'm just simply stretched.

Then the latter will lead into the former: that I'm just selfish, how I only see that people need a part of me but I don't offer that helping hand or listening ear. And with that I am falling short of expectations. It's a sick cycle.

And I am not like that.

But anyway, Thank YOU for listening and assuring me.

You make me feel like a better person altogether. Love you(:

:)

Yay!
With easier access now and 3gb to spare, I promise I'll start piecing my life together once I gather the scattered pieces.

Midnight Confessions

It's getting harder to piece my thoughts together when I can condense them into 140 characters which I have much easier access to.

On another note, I've got myself a new plaything, yay! :D

I love all technical gadgets black. Mmhmm.

Question of the day: They say people speak the truth when they're drunk. What about when they're sleep texting semi concious?

Breaking Point.

I'm getting another (unofficial) week off work, and I'm starting to wonder if my grades will be as slack as my work is. I'm wondering how on earth would it be possible to fill up those blank pages in my Logbook and what I can tell my supervisor about work.

There are things I could do, but I'm not sure if I should because I'm not allowed to use the equipment unsupervised. Initiative or Safety?

-----

That apart, CNY this year has been just like every other year. Day1 with family then Day2 with S' side. This year, we get an extra holiday. Doesn't make that much of a difference when you're older. CNY was only fun when you're below 12.

So yeah, last week I felt like I was on top of a roller coaster: I'm exhilarated, I'm high on adrenaline, I'm anticipating. But I'm also scared, I'm nervous about what is ahead for me, I'm waiting for the big drop (but I just don't know when), and I don't know how long this drop will last.

And this week, I'm finally riding down. It's scary, I'm out of control. My heart sinks as I fall toward the bottom. I wait for it to pass but it's a downward spiral. It's spinning faster than I can reach for support.

Of course, with momentum, you're definitely able to get up from that drop, but that point will never be higher than the one you just came down from.

Imma Mommy Over You!

Some doors when closed, will never open again.

Maybe you won't even be able to find that same door a second time.

Rather brain dead but life has been good.

It has been tiring. =)

{edit}

Wed: Caught up with Ken Cow Moo and AndreaLesbo at SunsetGrill. It was a disappointment- they forgot A's orders despite a million reminders, got our orders wrong, and the food wasn't that fab either. =( It was only the company that made up for everything gone wrong.

Awesome to see these two after so long, Hongrui you're missed much!

Then we wanted to take pictures with the pretty airplanes but got chased by the security guard. Mmmmgrumbles.

Oh yes and Lindt chocs from Moo with love from France! Favourite! :D

Sometimes,
I tend to give up on a friendship.

There are many reasons why I do.

Sometimes they're not the best decision I make,

sometimes these decisions protect ourselves from future disappointments.

Sometimes, I regret.

Sometimes, I stop myself before it's too late.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Maybe it isn't worth letting go.

After all, I've always had faith that we're friends on a bigger basis than just _______.

All this time.

Life is points:

• had a durian party in my room last week, stank up the whole place and the toilet and attracted a mother huge flying cockroach. plus we also wasted the whole night
  
• a weekend with no touch (whee!) but lotsa penanglove from grandma
• slacked it away mostly too
• headed down to town on sat night to catch the christmas light ups!
• surprised zi at midnight for her 21st and
• met KIWI! who looks like a stuffed toy. and taught her to jump out of her cage
• studied with penguin on sunday
• sent grandma off back to malaysiaaa on monday :(
• met alfie laoda nusbff on TUES (!) for lunch where xp overslept
• but thanks birdnuts for accompanying me
• and then i sprained my ankle :( :( :(
• and now i can't walk properly.
• had 02 consultation earlier this afternoon
• and i'm kkkkkkkonfused to the max.
• am gonna grow fat with all the food on my table despite eating dinner earlier on: oyster mee sua, bubble tea with pearls and jelly (where's my koi?! :( )
• shall attempt abstaining from fb/blogger/tweet for a while now.
• if you wanna look for me, you know where to find me. @philooos.
• need to catch up in my race against time.

Relak One Corner.

Today, I'm gonna talk about two things:

1. Love
2. Bimbotic Moments

Ok firstly: Love.

It's constantly on the tip of our tongue. Just over supper last Friday, Mamadao was sharing how her friend told her she rather love her other half more than he loves her.

That's cos you can't choose who to love you, but you can choose who to love.

Which is a very self sacrificial thinking in my opinion. Definitely not something wrong with that thinking, but how often do you hear that?

Which reminded me about what I read weeks back on FML:

"The man who loves me the most, the man I love, and my husband are 3 completely different people."

Sometimes routine, and dependence just leads to the skewed conception of love. It's scary how you've become so accustomed and used to things that you're unwilling to break apart from it though you may not happy.

------------------------------------------

The second thing: about Bimbo moments.

Ok for the sake of everybody, I shall leave it anonymous.

Today, we were talking about the Monopolygame thingy happening at Macs and how there is only 1 SentosaCove available (which allows you to win 50 000$!)

So person A was saying how we can actually sell the title deed and make a profit out of it.

Initially we thought of selling it for $51 000 (and earning $1) and somehow agreed that the profits should be split evenly instead.

Then later a sensible person turned around to ask why we would sell it for $25 000 when the MarinaBay deed was so easily obtainable.

Then we tried very hard to reason him out ........

until we realised we were so so stupid.

Cos since MarinaBay was easily obtainable, you can keep the Sentosacove deed for yourself and claim all 50k instead of splitting it into half with a total stranger.

Haha. We laughed so hard somebody turned as red as a tomato and teared. =)

G: you missed this. Haha

Goodbye 3005!

Life is.......

hectic these days. I barely get to pause and think about stuff.

Last week, I spent the first half of every day interacting with kids almost a decade younger than me. From tag rubgy, to bowling, rock climbing, vulgarities, flying punches to the face, playing truant ; I have seen almost everything.

Ek and I laugh it off after each day, and we feel really old. Almost 10 years older, yet among them we feel their age. It's like, we've never really grown out of our teenage years..

Rock climbing was super fun though! I climbed til I ached so bad after that. I couldn't write cos my arms were trembling (slightly) so yes, hats off to Ms. KWANJIELING. You're my ouxiang! (: Haha

Over the weekends, I also had two consecutive nights of Steamboat for dinner which was shiok beyond words since the weather was c-c-c-old. (:

After steamboat on Sat with Arthur & Mal, we caught Sister'sKeeper which was really quite sad..... We all expected to cry but the two boys didn't. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would too.

And FRIDAY! Friday was an impromptu supper with Mamadao and nuer dearest! We headed down to C.heesecake cafe then to upperchangi road for some awesome bcm meesua. We talked about life and reminisced about the past (as usual). We also talked about our future, and how the flavour of the cheesecake we ordered reflected our lives............

Wasted my entire weekend on Touch too. :( We had two games on Saturday. One was good, one was way way way below standard. But we were truly worn out by the end of the day. Then Sunday again at Turf for a Day Nat Training Camp. :\ Headed down with fishy. (:

So yes, no work completed over the weekend, thus leaving me with

• Presentation slides
• Presentation Rehearsal
• Sound quiz
• 3007 quiz
• 3002 assignment
• 3007 webcast from Friday
• Tutorials

left undone. It's midweek today and I'm glad half of the above is over. (:

Presentation today was all right; it wasn't awesome. But Q&A was terrible. We couldn't answer a question and were sent back to "do your readings". SIGH.

Sounds was harder than expected: "List 3 journals"

Even the frantic flipping of my notes whenever possible didn't help. The answers aren't even there. -_-

For now, I can finally take a deep breath before I start again.

Need to prepare for another hectic week(end) ahead juggling Touch, Arthur's farewell, and studies.

3 tests next week.

And exams in two weeks.

I. Am. So. Dead.

PS: My neighbours found a baby terrapin outside their room last night!

The Bus Number's Driver.

Hello! It's November!

October passed too quickly I can't even remember how I passed the 31days.

That being said, life's been picking up too quickly,

it's a race against time.

It's hectic and I'm going crazy juggling everything and yes,

it explains the incoherence in my speech and frequent tongue tied incidents.

Save me. I'm sleepy from the weekends. (Of which I did zilch academically. I should be suicidal)