The Future Freaks Me Out.

It suddenly dawned on me that this could be the future.

A glimpse of what things could be like; when Sis is married and Mommy gone (touch wood please).

It's just been two days (?) without my mom and things are already different, people already feeling empty. It's scary how Daddy seems so crippled without Mommy. He seems lifeless, hence he tries to keep himself busy. It isn't that he didn't trust me with the responsibility of bringing The Brother to dental, I (only just) figured that he didn't want to head back to an empty home, and be alone. So he insisted on sending us there and accompanying us through dental.

And then being the insensitive, too-busy-for-anything-else daughter, I didn't have dinner with Daddy. We bought food back though, but maybe he missed the company of Mommy, faithfully at the dining table every night, so he gave sitting there alone a miss and skipped dinner altogether.

At 8:48pm, he told me he was tired and headed straight to bed. The food still in its container, still in the plastic bag, still on the table.

Then I continued spending ME time- doing my nails (sorry, sounds so bimbo), clearing my emails, that I forgot about the clothes in the wash so he came to tell me they are done. I nodded and said "later" and only remembered while eating my grass jelly longan, over Bolt on Disney Channel. There was sooo much clothes to wash that I had to separate them into two bundles. And while hanging them did it occur to me that maybe Daddy doesn't have clothes to wear to work anymore. But even if I wanted to iron them NOW, I can't cos he is asleep. So how?

Even joining Trojan at prawning later seems kinda wrong right now.

:(

Friday, the 13th.

Everything happens for a reason.

Thought I'd meet the Bestie for supper so I didn't want to ask the CarameloFrappo to accompany me study so I didn't go down to study cos I don't like being alone. So I came online to get some company and listen to music and do work in Brother's room.

Company: checked.
Music: checked.
Do work: Unchecked.

Not only did I not get any work done, I also dug my own pathway to find my own grave.
If only something which happened in the previous string of events didn't occur I wouldn't be where I am now.
You're not the only one who knows how to avoid and run away from reality you don't want to face,
so do I. I just don't cos it comes back to haunt you anyway.


So this tallies with how I feel tonight:

I never needed you to be strong
I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs
I never needed pain, I never needed strain
My love for you was strong enough, you should have known

I never needed you for judgements
I never needed you to question what I spent
I never asked for help, I take care of myself
I don't know why you think you gotta hold on me

And it's a little late for conversations
There isn't anything for you to say
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver,
So look at me and listen to me
Because

I don't want to stay another minute
I don't want you
to say a single word
Hush hush, hush hush
There is no other way, I get
the final say because
I don't want to do this any longer
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say
Hush hush, hush hush
I've already spoken, our love is broken
Baby hush hush

I never needed your corrections
On everything from how I act to what I say
I never needed words, I never needed hurt
I never needed you to be there every day

I'm sorry for the way I let go
On everything I wanted when you came
along
But I ain't never beatin', broken not defeated
I know next to you
is not where I belong

What a wet Friday the 13th.
Didn't realise it til G mentioned it halfway into the day.

Don't Need To Beg.

I suddenly feel like going home really bad.

Hence, study plans for tonight shall be aborted and postponed.

Toodles 3255 and the just-returned LoomieTan.

I'm heading back to Serangoonavenuethree.

Whatever happened?

Last night, like a constant haunting, I couldn't fall asleep.

My mind drifted from thought to thought like a monkey swinging branches.

It felt surreal though; I think I've been reading too much HarryPotter.

Then just when I fell into a semi unconscious state, I suddenly woke up, face soaked in tears.

I had an insanely massive headache; it felt like needles piercing through the left side of my skull and someone was stitching. It wouldn't go away. I didn't dare get out of bed for fear of fainting (which has happened before). It was unbearable and I eventually got up and woke Mommy, who then fed me panadol and rubbed some medicated oil.

She said I was burning again.

Then I continued sobbing as Mommy put me back into bed and said, "Don't go for training tomorrow."

It was miserable and I hope it doesn't happen again tonight. =(

Sick And Tired.

WHERE ARE MY EVERLASTSSSS!!!!!
They have mysteriously disappeared and I want to wear them :(


Anyway, caught Ghost of Girlf's past today and it was so-so for me. Caught P.elham 123 with Arthur, Ahgong and S after W.araku dinner last Friday. The dinner was rather last minute and impromptu, we assumed each other would inform Y. In the end we were "waiting for her" while she didn't even know she was supposed to come. :( Wanted to go for more foood (like durians at G.eylang or BCM at Thomson!) but we decided to curb our unaccounted hunger pangs/cravings. (:



Mommy stitched my mogu (: Yay.

Will You Still Love Me In The Morning?

This New Year,

I remember waking early to grab two McD. breakfast sets, and cabbing down for a surprise.

It wasn't long ago, we played monopoly and ate pizza til late. Then had more food; like prata and popped by Jul's where I was greeted with a shot of Baileys.

Last Chinese New Year,

It was reunion as usual, and supposedly, a Zouktrip to "shou ye" but I can't remember what held me back.

But that was what led to an impromptu supper, driving from place to place across Singapore because every other eatery was closed.

This Chinese New Year, I wonder how it'd be.

Not like I'm a big fan of the angbaos (but undoubtedly the pineapple tarts. Hah!) and the visiting.

"If got time, shall we supper again?"

Time is not the issue here, if you haven't already realised.

And well, to shake off the extra kilos I know I'll gain, I went for a run today(:

From my place down to S'. I don't know how far that is, but it was a good run (after so long).

And I Missed You.

Now that I'm home, I reallyreallyreally don't feel like travelling all the way back to B.oonlay and waking up early to attend lessons, nor cleaning up my room which has been left vacant for almost two weeks, and start training again.

My only regret of the trip is:

-- not diving (I don't think I really had to at any pt anyway) and leaving Auckland scars on myself,

-- not taking a picture with everybody (especially the Mixed),

-- (maybe) not taking enough pictures,

-- no money no time (no love) quoteunquote Al.

Now, all I want to do is, shop shop shop (in NZ) and eat (but less potatoes) and hang around my friends (without the studying or paying attention in class factor).

Lotsa catching up to do! Both with work, and friends.

Home For A Day

Weekend:

Trained bright and early on Saturday morning. We were "promise(d) that this session will not inclue shuttles/suicides of TOKs" but we did agility fitnesss! =(

Giant shopped, brunched, got upset over the thought of losing my 22$, but eventually found out A took it. And she used it to buy 5 bottles of Po.cari sweat, of which only 1 was for me! Okay, but I got the money back in the end.

Game in the afternoon, though, was A-W-E-S-O-M-E! With composure and really awesome support on attack/covers for defence, we won! :D Strained the quads muscle though. =(

Family dinner at Chinatown where 5 of us had, stingray, claypot rice, yupianmeefen! , orhlua, char kway teow! And of course, sugar cane! :D

Really yummy dinner with awesome family time. =)

Wasted my day on Sunday though =( With the excuse of a strained and painful quad,

 I stayed home and spent half my day on the phone. But thank you Yanns, J, Ding anyhow. :D

--------------------------------------------

School has been so-so, the typical monotony of a tertiary student. You wake up, head for lessons, fall asleep, wake up confused, return tired. The familiar faces I see each day, the company I have, has been shrinking. With everyone (including me) self declaring the week, or day, e-learning and choose home/hall over school for revision. 

As I have repeatedly whined about, this sem is the most fucked up ever, and hence I'm only taking 3 cores. (Six next sem! Argh) With that, no excuse for not starting revision yet, and no excuse for mediocre grades, yes?

Was supposed to head home this week, but a casual phonecall came with a solution, yay. Called Mommy on Tuesday, thought it'd be better, since she wouldn't have to send me to school today bright and early! But anyhow,  she messaged me a little later:

"Just to let you know I'm baking strawberry cheesecake. Thought you coming home. Hee :)"

-

"Come home lah. Actually I bake for you to take to school tomorrow I send you back."

-

And I did, we baked it together though. I've lotsa pretty (maybe not) pictures of the before, during and after process. We did, cornflake cookies, strawberry cheesecake, strawberry peach cheesecake, pineapple tarts. Yumyumyum. =)

So I didn't study in the end, but who cares.

(Stupid bluetooth isn't working well so I only managed to upload one picture. )

--------

Just yesterday, a peer fell in the LT and was pretty badly injured. Then suddenly the entire row sitting infront of us disappeared. If I were to be the casualty, would the whole row have disappeared too? Or would self-interest, once again, come first.

Last night, I was so spoilt I insisted on going home even at 11:30pm.
I called my mom, then called a cab in, and left for home....



There's NO place like home.
I'm glad I went home even though I woke up to no lunch. =(

"My Love Is All I Have To Give."

If I could, I'd put Monday on Repeat Mode.
With a little alterations here and there; like:

• replacing the morning with Tuesday's, and how I was pleasantly woken up from my sleep.
• replacing bedtime with last night though I threw a midnight tantrum
• replacing the weather with breeeeeeeeeezy. :D

Nothing beats a homecooked meal with your loved ones,
and ice cream for dessert.
And us making ondeh ondeh together with Mommy. (:


------


Here's to another weekend, entirely consumed by Touch. =(

Crabbypathy

Crabbypathy: We both overslept today.

Dry weather: Nature trail at Sungei Buloh

But it rained today, irritating.

Hence we proceeded with Wet weather plan @ Crabzcribs.

Brunch at "kickass bachormee" where we found hair in my noodles,

and experienced the most efficient cleaners who swiped our table clean within seconds of our absence.

Baked cookies and decided to add some Starburst gummies and Cadbury chocolate in the already very chocolatey chocolate chip cookie dough. Turned out pretty yummy(:

Caught Licensed to Wed: it was unexpectedly different and sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. (: and Transformers, which got Crabby all jumpy screamy and excited, "heart stopping action" she said.

Dry weather Nature Trail to be postponed, yes? (:

***

Sometimes when you're incapable of making the right decisions for yourself,

let the wiser and more experienced make it for you.

Just this morning and last night, I prayed about the decision I have to make about going up to KL. Three signs, God showed them all.

Having faith is all it takes, but I'm gonna need the strength; physical and mental, to survive the coming month.

I know I may not be the most competent, the most capable,

but with that, I must remember what my aim of the trip is: experience/exposure, or to shine like a star.

Like J said, I'd take everything with a pinch of salt.

Then again, after so many months, I should be indifferent towards youknowwho's negativity+ lack of faith+ secret hatred towards me and no longer be intimidated.

Back to back trainings tomorrow, but I'm still living with the flu bug.

My Canterbury Shorts Make Me Feel Fat.

David Cook - Always Be My Baby,
Simple Plan - I Can Wait Forever (Eew, I know. Simple Plan, eew),
The Jonas Brothers - When You Look Me In The Eyes,

REPLAY.


***

I have been faithfully waking up to David Cook every morning(:
Reluctantly or willingly, the alarm somehow makes my day. (:


This morning, I headed for breakfast at a Mall in the heartland areas in a pair of oversized curved running shorts that were deliberately slit (not by me) and it felt (really) weird.
McDonalds was, unfortunately closed so we had Delifrance. Hmm.


For the past few days, I've either been sleeping too little/eating too much/staying at home too little, hence I'm allowing myself some alone time now.

Supposed to watch the Adiv Rugby Semis! But it looks like it's going to rain so I decided not to risk it, but I still had lunch with teeliangshit.
Supposed to swim now but dear Griz is sleeping and I don't want to wake her =( (Supper later!)
Supposed to run in an hour if the weather permits. (Finally no hot sun, but please don't rain!)


Still sick, but will be mighty strong by Wednesday(:

The Beauty Of Home Vs The Evil Of Temptation

If I could summarise my life in one word now,
it would be: Paradoxical.

I am happy yet miserable,
I am suffering yet blissful,
I am impatient yet waiting,
I am desperate yet reluctant.


I spent last night drifting in and out of sleep together with the raindrops beating against my window.
I can never understand how one can survive in school for 14 days straight, and worse; alone.
Sis calls me a retard for coming home for a mere 15 (?) hours, but I call it redemption.

Almost feels like I was shifting out of Hall already when I left,
with two big bags and a bittersweet goodbye.
I wonder how it'd really feel when I do leave.
And I wonder how I'm gonna survive with trainings twice/thrice weekly in school.


ANYHOWSS, before I hit 30th April 1900 hours, Computing is imminent.
Cannot! Wait! To! Strike! It! Off! My! List! Haha!
God and favourite luckiest Robotman, please take me through it.


PS: Dinner today was Adam Road Nasi Lemak + Ice Kachang + Papaya Milk + Strawberries. Not forgetting I drank half of Daddy's mutton soup. I feel a fat face.

"Eh, your legs grew bigger/fatter"

THIS PHOTO IS SO MARRIED/ COUPLE-Y/ HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER HAHAHAHA OMG

(very long ago, I miss you anyways dearest)

Anyways I was angsty just now but now I am happy (though still damn hungry)

because....

I came home to Mom's pineapple tarts. =D

And to 3 snail mailed letters (Christmas cards), with one that had a conflicting address written on (damn funny, photo soon cos I freaking left my memory card reader in Hall againnnn) and another that is a pop up card (omg nostalgia! haha)

Love them all and love all the senders! XOXOXO

I missed my last nel train home though =(( But Sgoon rocks, there's always an alternative route home.

Meeting Crabby for lunch tmr (omg finally!)

Ps: Training today was, damn good. Hahaha

Touch has been making my legs damn fat/big ugh I'm so sad =(((

But nvm, it's for my own good, for my own good! >=)

Pps: GDINEPANGCHEAPCHEAP I LOVE YOU DEEP DEEP DON'T BE SAD. YOU ARE STILL MY HEEEEEEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOOO!

HUGS AND KISSES AND SEE YA ON MONDAY BITCH!

What if I told you I don't like you for who you are,

but who I want you to be?

Je Peux Le Faire!

And we lay, we lay together just not
Too close, too close (How close is close enough?)
We lay, we lay together just not
Too close, too close


HAPPY TWO YEAR OLD, BRACES!

Today, I:

• woke up late for service (switched off the alarm instead of snoozing it)
• woke a friend up at 830 =((
• walked from my room to can 13 back to my room to can a to get a cab =(
• reached church late
• forgot to bring my ez link card home, hence kristal has sponsored my entire day's travelling expenses
• came home after service
• ate timtams, tiramisu cake,
• slept while I was supposed to do French
• walked around the room and house aimlessly, restlessly
• eat more more more
• sleep more more more
• sudoku-ed and bejeweled with W
• horoscope searched
• blogged
• SLACKED

Tomorrow, I shall die, die, die. (as a consequence of my today)

hocus pocus FOCUS.

Touch has become therapy,
there's always something to look forward to even though it's physical.

Didn't sleep til 730am on Friday morning, cos we biked out for supper (couldn't find tang yuan :( ), and was too full to sleep.
Woke up at 1130, wow. To oreos dunked in strawberry milk, and tangyuans from Lavender later in the afternoon.

Subcomm night at Weenamkee! I love Weenamkeeeeeee. Wanted to go see the puppy in 23! But J didn't get to book out, so too bad :(
Left for ice cream after the (chaotic) meal at Velo, where we concluded QQ is a kid afterall.

Lazed my night away in my room. I missed it, though 6461305 feels like home.
(And I think I forgot to clear the bin)

Today, I've got 2394732 things to do, 239482390 things to study, 090272438 things to settle.

Everyone wants to study, so do we.
Thanks for ditching us alone to get the stuff.



/won't be home till late afternoon tomorrow.

I'd have loved to use a pencil, but that just wouldn't be permanent.

Nothing beats home(:
Now I know why Sister and Lousy Friend have decided to ps me for home on Thurs night.

Haven't slept before 3 all week, (yes Eli?) Even the earliest is just minutes to 3.

Talked to Y and couldn't help agree more that I, being a single person, cannot accomodate to every single friend. Moreover, friends who don't understand do not deserve my sacrifices of those who are patient.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, is one of the rare times I have decided to finally make a selfish choice: of prioritising myself, so I'm giving Mr. Lim's birthday a miss.
Loong day tomorrow despite that miss!

And great,
I don't effing have an extra memory card so now I can't print photos.
Damn. Now I miss my old fat Nokia 6680.
What bulls.


{EDIT @ 0404}

NOTE TO SELF: I WILL GET USED TO THIS.
I WILL GET USED TO THIS.
I WILL GET USED TO THIS.
I WILL GET USED TO THIS.
I WILL GET USED TO THIS.
I WILL GET USED TO THIS.
I WILL GET USED TO THIS.
I WILL GET USED TO THIS.
I WILL GET USED TO THIS.
I WILL GET USED TO THIS.
I WILL GET USED TO THIS.
I WILL GET USED TO THIS.
{/EDIT}

You Lifted Me High With Your Words, But Left Me Hanging With Your Acts.

Today's one of those days where you simply feel paradoxical-
a little bittersweet goodbyes,
a little disappointment,
a little heave of relief,
a little shock from oblivion,
a little touched by unawareness,
a little irritated from compliance,
a little lifted by love.

It's been weeks since I had dinner at home, and home is the best solitary shelter. (:

-


Is it worth it can you even hear me
Standing with your spotlight on me
Not enough to feed the hungry
I'm tired and I felt it for awhile now
In this sea of lonely
The taste of ink is getting old
It's four o' clock in the fucking morning
Each day gets more and more like the last day