I Don't Know

how I manage to incubate my thoughts sometimes.

Emotions are common; they are not exclusive to each individual. While one is hurting, another far away could be feeling the same, possibly worst.

How is it that the motion of life, albeit separate, can be so largely similar?

I've been incubating thoughts and actions for years that I've always feared to act on, to shout it out loud.

In all honesty, I don't believe I am there yet. Baby steps that take years to progress...

Been out from sports for a month now. I've never been more patient than I am today, and I have no idea how I braced this month.

In fact, I don't really remember how everything happened - the chronology, the pain, the ordeal, the emotions.

I just want to get by, get past, and forget.

L.

"Love isn't blind.

It sees, but it doesn't mind."

DESARU!

Pictures from Desaru that I'm too lazy to reorganise and arrange in chrono order.

Anyhow, it was a good trip. A last minute pangseh which turned out to be a blessing in disguise cos it made everything easier with an even number.

Also, a table only has 4 corners right?

First trip together but definitely not the last.

And it is getaways like this that help you take a breather, allows you to brace yourself for reality when you return.

Like in my case, where I was brutally thrown into the sea of truth with no float, no life jacket, no way out.

Halfway.

I don't deal very well with losses, I admit. Be it temporary, permanent, or forever.

These words, I heard on repeat: "A brother I never had", "sincere", "filial", "more than a friend", "cheerful", "friendly", "always a fighter", "never knew the true meaning of 'giving up' ". To you, these are just words. To those who spoke them, they are memories, lessons learnt, values they aspire to achieve.

There were just 3.5 of us, 0.5 being the Jien who wanted to be there but got caught up with unpredictable stuff at home. Sad to say, it is always the wrong reasons that bring people together: Graduation (after which we will go our separate ways), Farewells for friends leaving on exchange, Bereavement. They are barely reasons for celebration, yet get-togethers are more successful than a "Reunion". Have to admit, am utterly disappointed with the turnout from the Sixth. We are a 26-man huge comm, yet the attendance was just three. What?!

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And on second chances: How often are we given the privilege of that. For redemption, for convincing, for proving.

Over brunch with Yanns, we HAD to bring up the fragility and vulnerability of life.

Naturally, every mankind wants to be in control of something; be it in our lives, or simple things like Plans. I for one, plan ahead and hate uncertainties. I hate it when something not within my control crops up and calls for plan B. Here's my loophole: I always plan ahead but I never have a backup plan. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm being an alpha female; and these uncertainties leave me crippled without the empowerment of control.

But as the saying goes, we learn things best the hard way. And I'm slowly getting it.

I've effectively gotten upset with someone/myself once a day this entire week, and it's really tiring. But sometimes you don't really have anyone to blame but yourself.

*

"I'm not angry, I'm just saying,

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance."

Of Celebrations, Wisdom, Love, and Get-togethers.

Finally a picture post! (:

Yesterday was Jiel's 23rd Surprise Picnic (but she already kinda knew.....) at S.entosa(:
And Alisa's 22nd Surprise Dinner (she ALSO already kinda knew....) at H.atched!
Yay, many happy pictures. :D

Our very own Hammock :DJiel, your handstands FAIL.Jump shot!We're so brilliant, we bought a cake and forgot about forks and paper plates.Jiel's new f21 dress! Makeover! :D

*wolf whistles

*******

Aww, loves!

Alpha-Kenny-Body!

Ashybaby!

Ready, Set, Go! Grid girl style.

Birthday girl.Statue of Liberty, Hatched style.Team LooooveeeeeeInsane chaotic shots."Let's take another chaotic picture!"Love.

-sayingimages

The End Is Where We Begin

We had our final closure a few hours ago- over sashimi, sushi and too-much-jap food at H.anabi. We reminisced good times: Aussie, Semis, Random bimbo moments; laughed over classic scenarios; talked about our future: Club season, Winter League (so long more), graduation (for some), work, post-season-life.

As cheesy as it is, with the end of this season, a new one awaits us. First it's club, then it's S.Unig again. This team is awesome, and I'm really sad to let it go. That as always, after each season we part and take separate paths: Syl and Ek concentrating on Fypee, Juniors still learning the art of the game, some taking time off to do something else meaningful in life, others going back to their real jobs: being a girlfriend, full-time sailor, full-time soccer player, IAstudent (me!).

Team session always heals. I actually felt more energetic than I usually do after work. =) CaptainEK and I got Mvp which made the season a whole lot more meaningful.

I still can't believe season's over ALREADY.

=(

Anyhow, after dinner, we split up. Five of us detoured to Macs and played some card game with cows. Apparently, if you owe something to anyone sitting at the table, you'll have bad luck and lose. Tested and proven; Ek lost the first round (cos she owed me moolah for drinks). So she paid and I then owe her 5cents change. Then I lost all the subsequent rounds! >=(

Was never that superstitious but I better start believing. :( It's not a coincidence.

On a sidenote: S came down to work for lunch today! (: With a bouquet of roses in hand. (I insist they look identical to the bouquet from last year but he begs to differ, hmm) And I stole an orange care bear from AwPap's car. =)

Then over team dinner, Baby gave me a box of self-made pineapple tarts and almond cookies she baked with Elepig(: It even has "XOXO" written on it. :D

Thank you! I feel so loved. =)

Relak One Corner.

Today, I'm gonna talk about two things:

1. Love
2. Bimbotic Moments

Ok firstly: Love.

It's constantly on the tip of our tongue. Just over supper last Friday, Mamadao was sharing how her friend told her she rather love her other half more than he loves her.

That's cos you can't choose who to love you, but you can choose who to love.

Which is a very self sacrificial thinking in my opinion. Definitely not something wrong with that thinking, but how often do you hear that?

Which reminded me about what I read weeks back on FML:

"The man who loves me the most, the man I love, and my husband are 3 completely different people."

Sometimes routine, and dependence just leads to the skewed conception of love. It's scary how you've become so accustomed and used to things that you're unwilling to break apart from it though you may not happy.

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The second thing: about Bimbo moments.

Ok for the sake of everybody, I shall leave it anonymous.

Today, we were talking about the Monopolygame thingy happening at Macs and how there is only 1 SentosaCove available (which allows you to win 50 000$!)

So person A was saying how we can actually sell the title deed and make a profit out of it.

Initially we thought of selling it for $51 000 (and earning $1) and somehow agreed that the profits should be split evenly instead.

Then later a sensible person turned around to ask why we would sell it for $25 000 when the MarinaBay deed was so easily obtainable.

Then we tried very hard to reason him out ........

until we realised we were so so stupid.

Cos since MarinaBay was easily obtainable, you can keep the Sentosacove deed for yourself and claim all 50k instead of splitting it into half with a total stranger.

Haha. We laughed so hard somebody turned as red as a tomato and teared. =)

G: you missed this. Haha

Don't let dependence deceive you.

It's not love.

TigerLily.

A post of the infamous long weekend:

Filled with much reunions (big and small), realizations, celebrations and expectations.

Dinner with S and family over steamboat, then cousin's birthday celebration where I was greeted with too many kids, I can no longer remember their names.

Supposed to attend Moo's 21st but sorry for the clash of events =(

During their Recess/my public holiday, I caught up with Yanns and Yarns over Aston's (old time favourite) and an Indonesian dessert: baked banana over condensed milk sprinkled with chocolate flakes and shredded cheese. Mmmmm, heavenly. =) And as the Crabs observed, we were dressed in each other's House colours: Yellow, Blue, Green.

Also caught Inglorious Basterds; wasn't what I expected but I enjoyed it. A heavy hearted show (compared to Ugly Truth), and it was kinda tragic, but I like. =)

Plus, late night study sessions til I get damn brain dead. And the evils of temptation: Strawberry sundae at 1am, French fries at 3am.

My emotional jar probably also overflowed over the weekend from feelings suppressed for too long. But I also learnt that there is not always an answer to every question.

Neither is there a lesson to be learnt from every thought dwelled over too much.

AND, that one day in the future, we will only regret the things we NEVER did, and not those we did.

Will you be my plain water?

I Know That You Were Trouble, But I Couldn't Resist.

So I :

• removed my stitches today, and
• found out that my bottom right wisdom is in a worst state than the one I extracted and hence,
• will experience a more traumatic post-surgery recovery when I do get it extracted.
• finally went for 930 lesson after breakf with the roomie
• couldn't stop sleeping in oh-so-boring elective.
• was asked the meaning of "LOVE" today.
• recently can't stop throwing FORWARD passes
• didn't play w.tl on Saturday but still went down
• caught Timetraveller's wife over the weekend with Bao, and
• didn't really like it. :(
• missed my gipee interview last wednesday thanks to wisdom surgery, yet
• was offered/recommended for it but,
• had to reject it after calling up gipee office only to find out it clashes with the infamous ivpee.
• made a domokun card + whippedcream-covered-sponge as a pseudo cake for Jeannette's 21st with Jieling
• have a new found baby whom I spoil. It is true.
• was too late to sign up for Nikehumanrace AGAIN but it clashes with w.tl anywayyyyy
• must be patient
• must not express negativity to my teammates on the field
• am excited for S.unig yet a little scared
• was told that we think alike by A(nne)
• really hate reccosboys cos they are so effing selfish and full of themselves
• really hate 5llah softball male team after today cos they were so rude and unapologetic after lousy bats and allowing their softballs to fly into our field more than 3 times when they didn't even book the freaking field.
• missed out on eating dessert last night cos they stall was closed after we finished our main course, and hence
• tried the weirdest combination of ice ever - peanut ice, mango puree and nata de coco.
• was visited by seetohmeetoh weiyanndearest last Friday after wisdom extraction who bought me hotfudge sundae! WHEEEEEE
• as usual, hate school
• have been trying to sleep early, wake early. And so far,
• have been sleeping by 230am and waking up before 1130am. Good start.
• am currently hooked on: All The Right Moves/OneRepublic and Two is Better Than One/BoyslikeGirls
• need to study studying. THREE TESTS COMING!!!

PS: And Jeannette says: " I LOVE/사랑해/大好き/真的好爱/*insert 'love' in other languages here* you all~ "

"Do You Know Half The World Is Starving?"

About two weeks ago over tea, Aw convinced me how mankind are more independent than we think of ourselves.

If we took a step back and slowed things down a notch, we realise that there are many moments you don't need company. But during these times when you actually do have someone with you, it is but a privilege.

It is not about, "why aren't you there when I need you" but "thanks for being here with me".

Just a few hours ago, I was reading through _feelosophy. A long forgotten logbook. A secret stash of memories I don't want to forget. A little scary though, how some move on while others stay rooted where they came from. A little skeptical, how empty promises and absolutes are used so freely, "I will never"; "You will always".

I am ashamed to say a part of me has forgotten, yet a part of me still yearns.

It is hard to ignore completely, yet difficult to accept whole heartedly.

And the part about school: I can never finish whinging.

Why am I not surprised I decided to slug in bed til noon instead of going for lessons.

Now I pay the dire consequences of missing tutorial- I understand zilch.

The fire alarm went off at 5 in the morning too, waking neighbours and myself. (BUT NOT MY ROOM MATE NOR ANGELA!)

And just on Monday, I went to school for an 1130 class when school starts at 1230.

ARGH.

Take away my past but don't rob my memories.

For You A Thousand Times Over.

This is Me and My Room mate.

Over the weekend (including Friday),

# I had one last meal with a friend leaving in search of his own W.ondergirl, ate til I was so full, carried a friend's (guy! wooh) backpack on his behalf.

# I left for touch with my jersey, boots, socks, etc but stood under the orange umbrella to cheer the team on. Before half time I walked over to the stands to retrieve my things in temptation to play. But Coach waved her finger and gave a BIG No-no.

I was also late for A.rthur's 21st where I became a big party pooper and felt eternally bad. I learned about making bad decisions but how sometimes we are given second chances.

I also met a friend-on-crutches who had to sneak out of the house and "steal" car keys and drive with an almost disfunctional left leg for a cup of tea while we pondered over decisions we've made/we're going to make, philosophies of life and our future.

I also laid in bed to enjoy the rain and wind though it was almost 4 in the morning and I was still sick.

# I came back to school early on the account of "work to do" (which is not entirely false) because sometimes you choose to follow your heart over a stubborn mind. And you find out it's not too bad a choice either. Accompanied lonelymiserablesickpathetic S for dinner and caught F1 in the TV room over dinner.

# I also abruptly, impulsively, suddenly decided that I want to go GIPCHINA and am going to apply. Oh, the power of persuasion. However, the definite decision will only be made when the acceptance email is received, and of course when I manage to convince myself of all the commitments I can leave behind and safely say, return to six months later.

# I have also spent a huge amount of time with Kite Runner when I should be finishing my readings for the meeting on Tues. But this is definitely better than Thousand Splendid Suns!

My Love For You Is Blind.

With his head pressed against my chest,

I felt forlorn of comfort, ironically. A surge of loneliness.

I'm not sure if it was his week long absence which left this gap,

or because I felt different.

But it was an internal struggle, deciding how it feels to be held, how it feels to hold again.

But this is me, a Phil in transition. It's paradoxical, it's contradictory, it's a whirlpool.

It's also, just a phase.

effgeed(ing).

We have been friends for almost 7 years now.

I remember how we met: the first time at the stadium. You in that yellow/grey uniform on the upper stand, leaning over the railings to talk to us below.

I remember the first time I saw you cry. It made me scared, and it tore me up slightly. But I just didn't show it.

These seven years have taught us love, lies, trust, life, value and priorities.

I dare say there was once no one else knew me as well as you did.

And I am ashamed to admit I've let you down before.

But I'm not regretful of the past, and how it led us to where we are now.

Externalties are not within our control.

Of course I always want the best for you, both of you.

Because both of you were just as important.

We have been friends for almost a decade now.

These years have seen us through every bit of life; teenage-hood, victories, love, school, trainings, break ups, failures.

I remember the times you'd sneak up and surprise me at the staircase to pass me stuff.

I remember how you sound when you whine.

I remember how we held each other and cried together when we fell out of love; at the same time.

I remember how we would laze, watch tv and forget about the world.

I remember our terms of affection; and I liked how you'd call me ______ .

I don't remember how the tables were turned.

I don't remember when you took a turn in life without taking me along.

I don't remember how the J word could be at the tip of your tongue whenever the conversation topic was Me.

I've always wanted to talk to you about it but I kept putting it off. Part of me didn't feel like it, the other part tried convincing myself it would be for the better.

But I cannot understand it sometimes. As much as I do try to.

Of all people, you should understand best, I do stand by this belief. Yet, you are unexpectedly, the first person, to not trust me, or her.

I don't know how else to say this. (I don't even know if you will see this.)

I'm so weary of watching her pull her hair out over this.

It shouldn't even be happening.

Every Teardrop A Memory.

We wanted to pick a secluded spot,

but the only good place left was right under a street lamp.

We sat side by side in silence, with our knees tucked in.

The more she tried to keep silent, the more clearly I can hear her heart shatter.

She lowered her head on my shoulders, like a sinking ship; slowly, dangerously, helplessly.

I wish I could say something to lift the pain, but I couldn't. I was in no position to.

Things, especially truths, are the hardest to accept when they are least expected.

Subconsciously, we are always seeking answers to reasons we cannot fathom.

Who are we to decide what is The Best for another?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I am not afraid of repetition, nor monotony.

Just afraid of helplessness.

PS: I have no patience; goodbye ponytails and hello short(dyed)hairphil. (:

PPS: I have been overeating. :(

+

To a certain extent, we are all influenced by our surroundings; the decisions our friends make, the things that happen to them.

Sometimes we ask ourselves, "When will it be me?" - it may be a blessing that has yet to fall upon you, it may also be a catastrophe you want to avoid.

Sometimes I'm afraid I let my personal judgement get in the way of making decisions for my friends. Something I feel is best for them, may not necessarily be the best for them, or be what they want the mostest. Sometimes I fear I relate too much with personal experience, as the foundations may be contrasting for the involved parties compared to me. Sometimes I dare not speak too much, yet the silence kills the heart further. 

Anyway apart from training,

plus Tuesday shopping with YCubetheManager +Nuaing at D.onut Factory in Novena,

then rushing to Ref Oh-F-S games, and more training,

and having dinner every day after 11pm,

life has been prettty boring.

ok, xoxo.

Agape.

There is no Love greater than that of God's.

This weekend, He reminded us of the meaning of that 4-lettered word.

A word we learnt since young, in our children's rhyme, from our parents/grandparents.

And the simplest form, yet the one most difficult to achieve is that of Self-sacrifice.

From John 3:16, we know, He has sacrificed The Best for us. And with that, there is nothing else God won't do for us, because He loves us.

How do You define Love?

In 1 Cor 13:4-7; the boundaries have been drawn.

I know I keep quoting these verses, but it serves as a reminder. Maybe to myself.

It is patient, and it is not proud.

We are taught to love our neighbours as ourselves, to love your enemy.

So how do we Love?

--------------------------------------------

Thursday; lunch at HollandV with Mrsdarcy and Wei'an,

followed by a series of quick shopping for the patient, and a (unintended sinful) food visit down to Crabby's. We tried to talk happy stuff/silly stuff and distract her from her discomfort and pain. I dare say to us, happyfood always works best(: + helium balloons! Nothing is as happy as helium balloons(: We got a H.arry Potter one  since she already had every other Get-well-soon balloon that caught our eye. The other two made a few phone calls to check the spelling of EXPELLIARMUS which we finally did, thanks to Wei'an(:

We had desserts from Da Paolo (supermothereffingkickassawesome!), the new kinder surprise, her Ahgong bought us Icecream from the Icecream man (old school but love it!) and we had more sugar rush from reminiscing the trigger happy JC days. 

Dinner with Dxxx where we over ate, then shopped a little for destress(: Hah.

Thanks for telling me my nonexistent bicepped arms are huge. I love you very much. ROAR.

Friday: Church- A solemn, solemn Good Friday.

Yet, why is this Good Friday good? (For you to answer yourself)

Studied studied cried studied cried cried studied studied. :(

Saturday: The Bestie had me over so we could study together while not being in an airconditioned place (fluuu!) We had the clock resounding every hour, counting down to the bare hours left to my paper (she only starts much later!) and being fed by Y.fei + Dennis. They made ice cream (cookies&cream + Hazelnut) and durian puffs; so we just ate. And after dinner we had tangyuans too. Basically we just ate while studying. FATSSS. But it was happiness(:

So O/A levels. (:

Sunday; 8am service!! Went home to nap before meeting Penguin & PresAw(:

We came back to school earlier than I expected, later than they scheduled (heehee), dinnered, attempted studying and fantasized more business plans: UNITUT !?, Shared (un)funny jokes, shot each other weird stares everytime our phones rang....... OK UNPRODUCTIVE.

And we had supper. (:

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It's not in me to force His word unto my friends, but I hope all of you had your share of God's grace, God's love this weekend(:

Because I did(:

THERMO IN TWO DAYS! :(

It Hurts, But It May Be The Only Way.

Have you ever had a song that will make you tear no matter when, no matter why?

Doesn't matter what you've gone through, when the song plays, it just activates your tear glands?

I do.

And in just 3 days over this week, I've seen Love from different perspectives, defined by different individuals. I always thought Love was the same to everyone, the same warmfuzzy feeling, the same way it makes everyone's heart skip a beat, the same things we say, the same things we do.

But no, that's not how it works.

And last night, at M. We lost ourselves. It was insane and we had more people toppling than standing. We toasted to good times, to the uncertain future. While I requested to be convinced. We relived moments we missed, tasted times we almost had but never did.

It was dark, it was wet. It was a mess, everything was spinning, but there was one thing I was so sure about....

Yet you made me doubt myself this morning.

"Take Care Of Her Heart."

"Do you think I grew taller?"
*blank stares* "I heard as 'Do you have two dollar?' "

---


Despite the bad start, my day continued fine and well,
and Phil went from happy to out-of-this-world.
Thank You Happy Pills: Seef, Zi, Amelia, Sher and Ding.


PS: I really feel like I grew taller. It's a weird feeling.